Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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