ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Randomize
