Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Randomize
