is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Randomize
