when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
