I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Randomize
