The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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