I seem to have left my pride at pride
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
