When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
