I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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