All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
Randomize
