The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
