I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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