I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Randomize
