My sheets look like a crime scene.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
We had to coat check the pizza.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
