After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
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