Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
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