Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
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