you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
