The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
