My first STD was from a foam party
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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