I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
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