It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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