Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
