Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Randomize
