I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
