Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
