I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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