No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
I puked a lego.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
