So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Randomize
