Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Randomize
