Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Randomize
