I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
