Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
