proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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