I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
