Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Randomize
