theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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