Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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