I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
