Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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