So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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