You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
