she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Randomize
