My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Randomize
