And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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