apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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