i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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