I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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