i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
We left the knife in your bed.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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