Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
