first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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