i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Randomize
